Life's A Dance

As I look around at the crowds of people trying to get to work on time, I can't help but think to myself, when did this all happen? Its so crazy to me how the path of life changes, I am 100 percent completely a different person from when I lived in Texas.


It feels like yesterday I was living in College Station, going to school, going out every night, with little responsibility, which then, I thought was an tremendous amount. I had it so easy there, living life in a small town with all of my closest friends. The only thing that mattered then was passing classes, and having enough money in my bank account to pay for my bar tab at Carneys. Right now I am listening to Def Lepard’s, Pour Some Sugar on Me, and I am immediately taken back to those days. I miss that life sometimes, I thought so differently about everything. Even though I did go through some hard times, loosing my Papa, mine and A’s break up, stress with school, I still feel like I hadn’t experienced certain things that one should in order to become an adult. Ever since I was a little girl I always thought I knew everything, I was always right, and no one could convince me otherwise. Well let me tell you, I knew nothing. Nothing compared to the amount of knowledge I've gained by living in NY. My family believed in me, that I could make it here and they were right. I believed in my self to an extent, but I never thought I'd accomplish all that I have, and become who I am today all because of a different city. I surely never thought, "Oh I'll be a single mom by the time I'm 22." Fortunately, I had my super awesome Uncle David, who gave me a chance, a few good bits of advice, and I was on my feet. He too, has been here for me thru jobs, moves, and now my pregnancy. When I first moved to NY I lived with him for about three months, in his living room, on an air mattress. He unknowingly taught me my first lesson on making it in here, and that was to be stern and not to take shit from anyone. I am so thankful to have had him then, and am so thankful for him now. He's going to be an excellent husband and father one day, and ladies.....he's on the market!

I've been thinking a lot about the term "single mother" lately. I am a single mom which means I'm flying solo, sort of, like I said I have an extremely large family, but in reality there's no daddy. I can't say there won't be anyone there to teach him basic things, like cowboys and country music, he's got his mama and his granddaddy for that. He is however going to need someone there as a father figure, and that terrifies me that I don't have that figured out. I am a planner, I like everything to be in order, may even have a slight case of OCD. Right now, my life feels a little messy and un certain, and its hard for me to feel together at times. I want someone there for my son, right now! I selfishly want someone to be here for me as well. A would be a wonderful father, if he could just mature about 20 years, and catch up with me. I hope for him to see his son and fall in love, I hope for the fairy tale ending, but who doesn't? I know where you are going with that thought...wrong! I have no desire to be married to him, none what so ever. He is no longer the person I knew three years ago, I don’t know who he is. I’m sure I’d make a few people happy but just because it’s morally right, doesn’t always mean its going to work. I was raised in a Christian home, I went to a Baptist Church growing up, and a Catholic Church as well. I know that I am not doing this the picture perfect way, but I also don't think God would want me to NOT have this precious little angel he sent me five months ago. I choose to have sex, so did he, we both will deal with this. I am going to be a single mom, and I can handle that, I can do this. Please, I am so strong! Like Mr. Sinatra says, “If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.” A cliche', but so very true. NY has turned me into a strong willed, driven young woman, and even though I'm not as crazy about it as I used to be, I am grateful for the experiences I have taken from it, and especially thankful for all of the lessons I have learned by living here.