19 Weeks

I see things clear today. Sometimes New York can make you feel like your on top of the world, other days....I feel alone. It amazes me that I can go on two different trains to get to work, run into the corner deli to grab a bottle of water and a power bar, and not utter a word to anyone. Its a scary place to live. People here keep to themselves, they look out for what's in it for them, everyday here is a business deal. I really miss home, I mostly miss being able to relax. I never knew how many things I took for granted when I was living in Texas. New York has taught me so much about what life is all about. I appreciate the little things people do for me, which is a rarity here. I miss washing my clothes with my own detergent, I have mastered the art of washing dishes by hand, I can now do a full load in 7 minutes. I'm always on the run, even on my days off. Its funny, I used to want to push the old women out of my way, and dread slow crowds in the subway.....now, I pray to get behind a granny going up the stairs. Sometimes I have to stop, take a deep breath and tell myself, Houston you're pregnant and I realize I can't keep up with NY'ers anymore, I've lost my fast paced stride that I used to take pride in. Right now I am on my journey home, I am riding the number 2 express train to 110th street, my five month pregnant belly is popping out of my fitted black tee paired with black maternity slacks. I'm standing over a bench full of men who are pretending they're asleep, so they don't have to give their seat up. Typical. My feet are sore and swollen, and my back feels like someone is taking a knife to it. When I get home, I will head straight for the shower to wash the city off of my body, cook a healthy meal, and wait for Gossip Girl to start. I no longer live on the Upper East Side, I’ve moved west, to Harlem, and surprisingly its nice here, quiet, and my neighbors aren’t as snooty, which I like. I live with Barclay and Brian, the perfectly engaged couple who basically told me I was pregnant that night at Bro J’s. They ever so kindly took me under their wing for the next couple of  months.


My life is so opposite of what it used to be, I feel like a completely different person. Now a days the things that make me happy are, cold bottles of water, Tums, apples, sitting down, long baths, Double Stuffed Oreos, seeing baby boys with their mommies, etc. In my previous life, I bought a pack of Marlboro Lights a week, a bottle of wine for the weekend, and splurged on expensive salads and apps during happy hour. Now, if I spend money its usually only to benefit my little bambino. Its like he puts me on a guilt trip of every unnecessary purchase I am about to make. The other day I was in J Crew and picked up a beautiful silk top, that would look so cute with my baby bump, but then I hear my inner voice telling me that I should be saving that for all of the many diapers, bottles, and onesies that I’m about to need. It‘s true, although saving money while living in this city is almost impossible with rent to pay, I'm already drained, and since I am now eating for two, my groceries have doubled and again I feel guilty if I don't purchase the organic brands. After all there's a human life growing inside me, and I only want him to have the best of everything. This could mean trouble for me in the future, I'm scared of spending all of my money on making this child into a piece of artwork. He's not even born yet and the kid almost has a full Ralph Lauren wardrobe.

As I sit in my bed and await GG I think to myself, A is probably out with friends, drinking, not even thinking that his son is growing inside of me. His mother, who I was extremely close with has been pretty much absent from my life for the past five months. A few casual emails here and there, but no phone contact. You think you know someone, and when things get tough, they run. I am sort of numb from everything that A has put me through, even when he screams and yells at me and tells me that I am making the worst mistake of my life, I somehow don’t feel it anymore. He used to control how I felt at all times, now I only care about making this baby happy, and I cant let his craziness upset me. He has a good heart, but I don’t know where its hiding. It doesn’t make sense to me, he helped make this happen, how could he not want to be a part of it? I understand that its going to be hard, and there’s nothing easy about raising a child, but I know I can do it, why is he so scared? I can’t figure him out, and I’ve really stopped trying, all I do is pray that someday he’ll change his mind, regret everything he said to me, and love this baby, like he should. I know God will make things work the way they’re supposed to, but sometimes my faith is weak, I have to continuously pray for strength. Thankfully I have amazing friends and family who give me the love and support I need throughout this emotional time. Alex and Chelsea are my two best friends in Texas, they are here for me day in and day out. They are always there to reassure me that I have made the right decision. Lindsey is like my fourth sister, always checking in on me to make sure me and the babe are ok. She bought him his first set of clothes, threw me my first baby shower, and pampered me in her last months of living in NYC. My family of course has been incredible from day one, I couldn’t ask for a better support group.

I think I really learned how to be a mother from both of my moms, I got the best of both worlds by having two. Hopefully everything they taught me will rub off on my newbie. My moms taught me how to love, how to be kind, to always reach for the stars. My dad always taught me to stay strong, and to be tough. They are going to be such great grandparents, I know they’re excited. I can't wait to see us with our new addition to the Puryear clan.

There's my little guy, 4 1/2 months

This was just an clip of how my days pan out, stay tuned my fellow bloggers, there’s lots more to come. Next week I have my 20 Week sonogram, where I get to see him up close!