Counting Down

I just want to start this entry off with, OH MY GOSH I AM ABOUT TO HAVE THIS BABY! If I told anyone how much I weighed at this point, I think they’d re-consider their friendship with me. No, I’m only kidding, about the friendship of course, I am indeed HUGE. This week has been a bit of a whirlwind for me. Emotions are rolling, as always, and I am extremely anxious about a number of things. As of now I am considered “full term”, which means I have reached “the end” of my pregnancy, and my baby is fully developed-at a whopping seven and a half pounds as of last Wednesday. My next, and second to last, doctor’s appointment is this coming Wednesday, February 3rd, I am hoping and praying that Dr. Seeker will give me good news, like that I’ve dilated completely and he wants to send me over to the hospital ASAP. I like to dream big. Although, at that point I would only be ten days away from my due date, February 13th, it could definitely happen. In the delivery room, along with my mom, and Jennifer, I will have a midwife who will also be coaching me, her name is Ashlie, and she will assist me in breathing, she can tell nurse when then appropriate time to distribute medicine is, if I take that route, and can help with comfortable positions during labor. She is also a licensed massage therapist and knows so much about the human body. She has worked on many pregnant women, and uses a natural method to help induce labor, called Acupressure. She will be working certain pressure points on my feet, hands, and back that can trigger contractions, and help my cervix to dilate. I am SO thrilled about this, because she has informed me that each time she has performed the massage, the mother has gone into labor within a matter of 48 hours. I did my research, and talked with my doctor, and it is all completely safe and actually encouraged at this point. So, I will be visiting with her tomorrow night, and she will do the first Acupressure Massage on me. She said if I don’t feel anything by Wednesday of this week, we will try again that night. Fingers crossed yall! I am ready to meet this baby!

Yesterday, I got to visit with a friend who just had her baby last Monday, she had a sweet little boy. I walked in and the two of them greeted me at the door with a big smile and a hug. I know she was exhausted, but she was still glowing, she looked so happy and content. I was worried that I was going to be too emotional to be over there and around them, but as soon as she placed him in my arms, I felt ready. I was anxious at first, but then I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He was so peaceful just sleeping in my arms. I sat there with her and her mom, as we talked about her labor process, and all of the many things she is going through now-I probably asked them both a million questions. They are so blessed, and I am so happy for her and her new family. It’s comforting to see someone going through the same thing I am. I’m really lucky to have known her during this fragile time in both of our lives.

Tonight, I packed my bags for the hospital-one for him, and one for me. His grandma, “Chella”, bought him a sweet outfit for him to come home in. I can’t wait to see him in it! I packed some infant diapers, swaddling blankets, and some things needed for breast feeding. I’m so excited, any day now!

On a different note, things with A are not too peachy. We are both having difficulties agreeing on a name for the baby. He feels very strong about the baby having his last name, and I have no desire for him to have that. We are not together, and are not planning on being together, ever, so I see no reason for me to give him his last name. Also, I love my last name, Puryear. Not only is it a historical Texas name, but it’s something that my son will always have. I also agreed a while back on letting him pick one of the middle names for the baby, and later changed my mind once I realized that he was going to call him that for his first name. It’s difficult for me because the name I give my son is of course, the name I want him to go by, not something different. I also think it would be confusing for him as a child. I know, I get it, he should have a role in the name process, and I understand that, but doesn’t the woman always get to choose the name in the end? I don’t know what to do about all of that, I’m hoping it will all work itself out.

The other major issue these days is the topic of child support. I originally wanted to come to an agreement, in a friendly and peaceful manner. This of course, is not how it went over. We are both stubborn-I am an emotional wreck, he’s scared out of his mind, and clueless, it’s just all a little messy right now. I have never gone through this before, and my direction is a little off. I am trying so hard to take our past out of the picture, and to leave all emotions at the back door; much easier said than done. Luckily, I have caring and intelligent people in my life who want to help me, but I am still having a hard time understanding and dealing with this process. A doesn’t want to support the child, or be in the child’s life if I don’t give him either his last name, or the middle name that he wishes. This to me is completely ridiculous. No matter what the baby’s name is, he should love and care for him. Not to mention that it is the law to provide child support. I feel that since I have been the sole proprietor of this baby from day one, and will be the one to raise him, I should have the right to name him. When I take him to school, they are going to call me Ms. Puryear and my son something different? No, I don’t think so.

To make matters worse, he is threatening to get a lawyer, and try and not pay me any child support, whatsoever. After I sent him amicable email with a reasonable budget for the baby, he called and lost it-telling me that he wants nothing to do with the baby, and not to contact him or his family when he’s born. He said many other hurtful things that I can’t even being to tell you. I know he was mainly upset about the name ordeal, and is immature in general right now, but it’s a lot for me to take in, and I really am having a hard time knowing how to handle him. All I know is that I have to find a way to make this baby have the best life there is, and I’m doing everything in my power right now to make that happen. I know God has a special plan for all of this, and I’m trusting in him, and trying to be strong. I just feel overwhelmed. I don’t want this stress to be on the baby, which seriously worries me, so I try to not think about it. I know once he gets here, things will fall into place, and I know I’m a lot better off than most single mothers, I need to try and just look to the future and try and see all the good through all the bad. Stay positive, that’s all I can do.

Hopefully we will have a sweet baby boy this week, if not, definitely next week! Wish me luck, Lord knows I need it.

XO

Houston

It's Almost Time!

With less than a month to go in this, what feels like two year process, I must say I am more than ready. From the excruciating pain in my lower back, the random sharp pains I get shooting down my legs, and the jabs to my ribcage from Mr. Long-legs in there, this has been one big rollercoaster ride. Everyone keeps telling me, just wait until he’s born, it’s a whole other ball field. Thanks people, I get it! Sympathize with me for a moment, you don’t have a six pound baby growing inside of you! Anyways, nothing worth having comes easy, right?

Tomorrow I go in for my last “major” appointment. They are going to check on the baby’s weight, growth, and on my cervix to make sure I’m not dilating. A is driving in from Houston to take me, and we have plans for lunch after. I told him I wanted us to get together in a setting where it is more comfortable for us to talk, and discuss the plans for when the baby arrives. I’m planning on asking him to be in the room for the delivery, I think it is such an incredible moment in time that he can never get back. Hoping he’ll say yes. Lately I’ve began to see the old A, the way he used to be, sweet, caring, understanding, I’ve been waiting for so long for him to come back, and worried that it would never happen. All I can do is keep praying, and thanking God every time he answers another one of my prayers.

My belly has gotten so big in this last month, even though its been painful and exhausting, I still love every minute of it. His kicks are so powerful now, and I can literally sit for an hour in silence, and just stare at my stomach as my skin jumps up from an arm or a leg, sometimes I can even see his little butt poking up. I cant even remember how it feels to not be pregnant, its been so long since I’ve felt “light”. I will tell you this, I am ready to be able to see my feet, and to be able to actually put my shoes on without making a loud noise. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, I am so lucky to have had a somewhat easy ride. The beginning was a little rough, being in New York and all, and then the few scares I had around the fifth month, and well the heartburn is still miserable, but seriously, I hear people that go through their entire pregnancy with morning sickness, if that was me, there would be no blogging, I would be a very very angry woman.

Last week I stayed at the ranch, where the baby and I will be moving once he arrives. The Puryear clan all helped me get his room together, cleaning and organizing, setting up the crib, bouncers, etc. I am now in full nesting mode. That is all I can think about these days, I want everything to be perfect. My aunt is an interior designer in Houston, and she has a sense for style, choosing colors, and picking the right fabrics, and she offered to do the baby’s bedding. I can’t wait to see everything completed! We’re looking at four more weeks of this, seriously, it still seems so far away, hoping it will be smooth sailing from here on out…

A Promising Year

It is January 1st, 2010, a sunny day here in Austin, Texas. I am sitting in my bed, listening to John Mayer’s newest album Battle Studies. As I sit here, I begin to think about all of the events that took place in 2009, and am realizing how lucky I am. First, I landed my dream job working for Bobbi Brown in Soho, NY. I worked with an incredible group of people, who kept me going everyday. I had a beautiful friendship with one of my very best friends, Lindsey, who was my rock and lifeline. I got pregnant in May 2009, and have grown into a whole new person, since then. I recently moved back to my home state, Texas, to have my baby, and start my new life. I am learning a lot about who I am, and what it means to be a mother, just by waiting. A far cry from the last entry I wrote, I feel strong and confident, like I am ready to have this baby today, and take on this new adventure. Emotions are so powerful, I have to tell myself “mind over matter” in times like those, and hold my head high.

I remind myself how extraordinary my situation is, and how its really not as bad as it sometimes seems. My little boy is healthy, and growing at an outstanding rate, right now he’s two weeks bigger than he should be. We chalk that up to Daddy, who is a substantial 6 foot 7. I am learning how fortunate I am to have him these days. He has been involved since I stepped foot back on Southern ground. He calls and texts daily, always asking, “How are you feeling?” Personal and sincere. He took me to my last doctors appointment, and it went smoother than I predicted. I was pacing the floor, checking my phone every two seconds to see if he was outside. When he arrived, I walked outside, sweating and breathless; he greeted me with a big hug. This was the first time he’d seen me since we were together in New York. Remember, I am eight months pregnant, cant even see my feet. He smiled and told me how beautiful I looked, I was relived. We got into the car and drove to the doctor. There was no tension in the air, it was peaceful and comforting. When we arrived, he opened my car door, unexpected. We sat in the waiting room, he was quiet at first, and rubbed my belly periodically. He told me how he really wants to work this out, and be here for me and the baby. He repeatedly said how excited he was for his arrival. I was quiet, and let him do most of the talking. Once we got into the exam room, he came over next to me, and listened while the nurse checked for the baby’s heartbeat. I looked up at him and said, “You hear it?” He just nodded. Dr. Seeker walked into the room, and a new form of energy entered with him. He was smiling and happy to see me, like always. He then went right up to A and said, “Welcome A, we are so glad you’re here!” came over to me, hugged me, and sat down next to me. Talked to us about the baby’s rapid growth rate, told us things were going smoothly, and then we got to the ultra sound. A was standing next to me, eyes wide open, still silent. There he was, bigger and more beautiful than the last time, squirming and rolling around inside of me. We got to see his feet close up, they are the cutest little things you have ever seen. I looked over at A and his eyes were misty. I then of course wanted to ball, but kept my composure. Dr. Seeker informed us that since baby is so big, they are going to start monitoring his growth and, checking my cervix every two weeks until my due date, to be sure that I can do this naturally. We finished up at the appointment, and got back into the car. He again shared his excitement with me, and reached over for me hand, and said, “We can do this.” I wanted to shout out to the world, THANK GOD! Instead, I smiled, and looked out the window. Since then I have talked to A just about every day, like I mentioned before, he calls to check on us religiously.

I remember when we walked into the doctor’s office, how I felt walking in with A, and my pregnant belly popping out, I wondered if people looked at us and thought, “what a beautiful couple”, I was hoping yes. I felt complete, and happy, even though we aren’t together and have no plans of this, it still felt good to have him by my side. Finally.

I am looking forward to an exciting year in 2010, full of love and joy…