I'm Hanging On

I just had dinner with one of my friends mother's, April, adorable, energetic and super chic. Her daughter Honor is one of oldest and dearest friends. We ate at one of my new favorite places to dine at in the city, Blue Ribbon Bakery, known for their fabulous upscale comfort food. April was in town for Avery's (her youngest daughter) twentieth birthday. I have known the Hinkle Family since I was in the sixth grade, and every time I'm around them, I feel comforted and loved. I talk to Honor three to four times a week, and she has been more than amazing before and now during my pregnancy. So, April and I were sitting at dinner, chatting about Honor and her newest endeavors, and about how all of her children have grown up so fast. We talked about my life, and all of the things I've done while living in New York. During our conversation I was hit hard by reality, as she was telling me about how "easy and quick" all FOUR of her labors were, I suddenly realized, OMG this is my life, this is happening to me, I will shortly be giving birth to this little person in just four months. I asked myself, are you ready, because everything is about to completely change for you Houston. I watched her smile and talk about how proud she is of all of her children, she's a hot mama, she's got the big rock, the sweet southern husband, holding the position as an editor at a major magazine. She has the life I want! As dinner wrapped up, she walked me to the subway, hugged me, and hopped in a cab back to her hotel in Murray Hill. There I was all alone again, I felt sad and lonely. I wished I was going back to a hotel and flying to Texas in a few days, but I'm not, I still have two more months here. Seems short I know....but sometimes my days drag on, especially lately, the pains in my body have gotten worse, and work is getting more difficult as my belly expands. Every time I spend quality time with a fellow Texan, and I leave them, I feel like a little girl who accidentally let go of her balloon. You know that feeling? Where you feel like you've just lost something, and you don't think you'll ever get it back? I despise that feeling! I'm not sure if I've mentioned this yet but, I am ready to go back home! It felt so good to have someone actually care about my life, my belly, my future, and my well being. My family and friends do of course!!!!! BUT they're not here to physically express those feelings to me, there’s only so much love you can feel over the phone, and not to mention 3,000 miles away. So as I ride the train home solo, I began to think about my future life in Texas. Everyone always asks me, "so what's your plan?" I don't know! Well maybe I have an idea…My first "plan" went down a totally different path than I expected, if we're going to be literal here, I'm on "Plan C". I have just "planned" to have this baby, and now people want to know what my next move is going to be. Well let's see, first I'd like to get the hell out of New York, next, I'd like to deliver my baby fast and painless, find my dream job, and  of course have somone fall madly in love with me and my bambino. Right now, only one of those "plans" seems somewhat feasible to me. One of the things I have feared the most since I became a single, twenty-two year old mother, is that I won't find someone who will love us both. I’m scared that I will find "the perfect match", we start to get close, and I then have to tell him I'm a package deal, and then he runs. My life is not like The Holiday, I wish I could find my Jude Law, but this is a real story folks, nothing scripted about it. On that note, why are men so scared of babies? Babies are the least scariest thing on this earth, they are small little people who need nothing but love, food, and sleep! I am confused by this, I guess its hard for me to understand men in general these days, but babies? Come on!

Since we are discussing the male species, I’d like to tell my readers that A has jumped on this baby train, and I couldn’t be happier! I received a phone call from him last night around seven o' clock, he sounded like he always does with the same old, “Hey Houston, what’s up..” nonsense, I expected another freak out session but he continued with a very sincere apology. He has asked for my forgiveness plenty of times in the past, but only a few times since I’ve become pregnant, and none of them have ever sounded this real. He said to me, “First of all Houston, I just want apologize for all that I have put you through in the past, you didn’t deserve any of it.” I was stunned. Barclay and I had been shopping all day and were in a cab on our way back to our apartment, I wanted to scream/cry/yell/. I grabbed her tiny arm and squeezed it tight, put my hand over the phone and said, “you’ll never believe what he just said to me.” He continued by saying he was upset at me for not sending him the baby’s latest sonogram, I explained to him that the last time I did that, he had no desire of opening the attachment, therefore I didn’t. He then demanded that I sent it to him, (in a calm tone of voice). I wanted to somehow text Jennifer from my phone while keeping our converstaion going, and have her forward the pictures to him asap. I asked him about him and his ex, and if they had talked about anything, he said no, that he wasn’t too concerned about his love life right now because he has bigger things to worry about, and that he has a son on the way. EXCUSE ME! I asked him to repeat what he had just said to me, he laughed and said, “No Houston, I’m serious.” For the first time in five months, I believed him. I felt tears roll down my face, but I didn’t want him to know I was excited. I tried to act cool, I didn’t want to jinks anything. He also asked me, “So what happens when you move back? How does this work? Do we get back together? I want to do this the right way.” HOLD THE PHONES! I told him we’d have to talk about that person to person. Again, I love the fairytale ending, but a baby is no reason to get married. We will have to see what happens down the road, and if this baby changes him into a new man, which I’m hoping it will, then there might be hope. A called me later that night to tell me that he got the email and looked at the pictures of our baby, I asked him what he thought, his response: "He's beautiful, looks exactly like you." I wanted to cry but had to hold it together, I told him how long baby's arms and legs were, and if he noticed, he said, "Yep, just like his daddy." He said excatly what I wanted him to, nothing could have made me happier. I told him goodnight, and hung up the phone, and found myself thinking, do I still love him? Will I love him again when I see him holding our baby? This is all so confusing to me, I don’t know what to feel. We were torn apart by love, thrown into two different worlds, and now we are going to be in each others lives forever. We at least have to be friends, I want a civil, healthy relationship with my sons father, I’ve seen the messes un happily married parents can cause, and I don’t want that for my child. After talking to him and hearing the honesty in his voice, I finally felt like I could trust him again. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders, I could sleep at night, and breathe again. My baby is going to have a father that loves and cares for him, there’s nothing I want more than that. I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel..