A Better Rain

Here I am again, traveling to work via the number 3 express train, thinking about a number of different things, all of which confuse me. A is running through my mind, not just because I'm carrying his child, but because I have dreams about him every night, some are good, like we're happy and in love and he's excited about baby, but some are quite terrifying, and make no sense to me and in the mornings I wake up laying in a pool of sweat. Anyways, right now I'm sitting next to a nanny with a 6 month old little girl, and across from me is a mommy bouncing her newborn baby boy in her lap. It blows my mind how they do it, I don't think I'd last a week in this city with a baby. I once nannied for a family in a ritzy part of Brooklyn, for about four months, I was practically the childs mother, and it was one of the most exhausting jobs I've had since I've lived here. I picked her up from school, took her to soccer practice at Chelsea Piers, and after we'd brunch at Pastis as per her request. The child owned every single pair of Seven Jeans made for children, and owned four Marc Jacobs purses. Poor thing, her mommy was never around, she stayed out late, until 5 am, I once spotted her stumbling around Meatpacking with her friends. Seriously lady? You are 38 years old, you have a seven year old little girl at home, get it together! I think about how fortunate I am to have grown up with two mothers, and to have learned from them almost everything I need to know about being a mom. I'm so thankful to have them as role models. I feel like I was born to be a mommy, I've been spending all of my life wishing and hoping to have kids, and now its finally happening to me. I just didn't think it would occur under these circumstances, but that's ok, in life sometimes these things hit you out of left field, and in my case it happens a little more than sometimes. I'm ok with that, I've learned how to handle unexpected surprises, I think its something to be proud of.


I will touch back to the subject of men for a moment..to start things off, A is more apparent these past couple of weeks, and I am so glad, he actually cares how I am doing, he's not just asking to be polite, I can tell he genuinely wants to know what's going on in my life. We talk about three times a week now. He wants to know when I have doctors appointments, and what goes on in them, its crazy how someone can change over night. I hope its for real this time, I don't think I can handle being toyed around in this situation, or any for that matter. I trust that this is all happening for some very un clear reason, and I will have an "ah ha" moment later on down the road. As for his mother, things have turned around as well, this makes me feel better about everything, we had a really nice phone conversation the other night while I was in Houston for my Mimi's funeral. All of his immediate family has requested to attend the baby shower, my response: DUH, I love his family! I now realize, wow my life isn't so bad, its actually wonderful, I'm expecting a sweet baby boy, and everyones supporting me, there are worse things going on in this world than to stress about any of this. I thank my lucky stars, and hope to keep up with this positive thinking.


Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, where Dr. F will take my blood pressure, and give me the Swine Flu Vaccine. So exciting! Ha. I'm twenty-two weeks now, things that are happening to my body are: rounding of my belly, the punching and kicks from my babe, decreased urination (which is amazing), frequent back and leg pain, and an increased appetite. I never thought a human being could consume this much food, I think I'm even eating more than my dad eats! So that's all for now yall, stay tuned, hopefully more entertaining and interesting things will happen to me in this last month and a half of me living here.