Now that that is over, and so is my baby shower, and my birthday, all of the things that I was counting on to consume my time and mind in these last weeks, I feel like I am just watching the clock go by until his birthday. Don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful to be home, in Texas where I belong, but living back at home, under your parents roof is a big change from living in New York City, with a full time job; my independence is gone, and its really hard for me to adjust to this new lifestyle. For starters, I am without a car. Therefore, to get around I have to have friends or family pick me up and take me places. I absolutely cannot stand asking people to do things for me, and this leaves me no option but to do so. All of my friends are still in school, and that consumes their lives, my parents work, I basically stay home and look at all of the baby’s things and wonder what my life will look like when he gets here. I am stressed about being able to afford his life, and mine. I have yet to ask A for any help with money, and pretty soon I am going to have to. I found out today that I may not receive any of my maternity leave money until February 13, 2010, the baby’s due date. I have doctor’s bills to pay weekly, and I have to support myself as well. This may leave me without any income for two more months, and that alone gives me extreme anxiety. I lie on my bed in tears, and my mom rubs my belly and tells me its all going to be ok, and to give my worries to God. I guess when I was living and working in New York, I was so busy with work, that by the time I got home I had no time to think about reality, and what my future looked like. Now that I have months, days, hours of time to sit around and think about it, I am starting to freak out. I have never questioned myself as to whether or not I’d be a good mother, I’ve known since I was little that that was one of my gifts, these days I panic and wonder if that is true or not. I miss being able to push my worries and stress to the back of my mind, and instead think about other things, now its all right here in front of me, at all times. My family and friends are all smiles, asking me what he’s going to wear home from the hospital, and how they cant wait to take him here and there, I’m sitting there wanting to cry my eyes out and say, How the hell do you think I’m going to do this? Alone? What do you see that I don’t? Sometimes I think I’m so brave and I make decisions in confidence, and then I question my actions. I’m not at all saying that I made the wrong decision by choosing to keep this baby, I’m just saying that before I was so sure I was ready, and that I could do this, now I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m completely lost and terrified.
December 8th I turned twenty-three, and as I look back on the last three years of my life, and how I’ve changed year to year, I am amazed. I feel like I’ve jumped ahead of myself by about ten years. My friends and I are on two different tracks, and I feel like I have no one who can truly understand what I am going through. I love them more than anything, and would be an even bigger mess without them, but sometimes I just want to be like, honestly? You’re telling me your stressed about a test? I am trying to cope with the idea of having to pay for my child’s education. I know we all have different worries in life, and whatever you are going through at that time in your life, seems to be the biggest and worst thing possible, so I try and count my blessings, and think about how fortunate I am to even have a family that loves and supports my choices, but its very hard to when I feel so alone.
Onto the topic of A, we had a heart to heart the other day, and it was probably the second time since my pregnancy of me breaking down and crying to him. The first time I did was when I told him I was pregnant. This time, he called to check on us, and ask how the shower went. Normally I keep our conversations short and sweet, because I always thought he never really cared what I had to say. He told me he heard what I was naming the baby, and was very upset that he didn’t have a role in the process. I of course got upset, and went on a rampage about how he hasn’t been apart of anything, so why should I let him help with the name. I vented to him how hard its been for me lately, and how his absence kills me, I think it hit home a little bit for him. He wasn’t arguing with me, he was listening, and telling me he wants to be here, that I just need to let him. He said he’s tired of everyone thinking he feels like this baby is a negative thing, he said he’s very happy and is proud to be the baby’s father. He said that he would be at the next doctors appointment, and to let him know if I ever needed anything. I believed him, and wished I hadn’t had just yelled and been such a bitch to him. This was still hard for me to understand, but I wasn’t going to complain. After seeing his family at the baby shower, I felt a little more at peace, but still distant from them, and I want that to change. I have always wanted everything to be picture perfect, in order, and planned out. All of the changes in my life lately make that very hard for me, and I think that is why I am so worried and stressed these days. I think after getting pregnant, loosing my grandma, leaving my job, and moving back home all in the past year is a lot for anyone to have on their plate. The truth is, nothing in life is perfect, we just have to take it one step at a time. I’m holding on tight, and praying that God will keep me sane. Until next time..
XO,
HP
